The System Finally Broke Me


I give up. I quit. I’m done. Why try? Why even fight the system? In the end, we always lose anyway, right? So why go through the aggravation to even bother? The difference is you either die broke and sick now or you die broke and sick a couple of years later… sigh.

I probably don’t really mean this. I’m probably just depressed and angry. I probably will keep fighting the system.

But today, right now, right in this moment, I’m done.

I’m so done.

I have only three days worth of medication left of the Lovenox injections. And I only have that much left because, depressed and feeling lousy, I went to be last night and forgot to take my injection at all yesterday. Otherwise, I’d only have two days left.

And there is no sign of my being able to get any more any time soon. And the medication they will approve, it won’t work for me. It will work for one of my problems, which is the DVT prophylaxis, but it won’t work for active PEs, which I still have and chronic PEs, which is what the CTEPH is. Plus, this medication they are allowing is oral, which we know I have problem with metabolizing medications, and it also has no known antidote, which means that any medical procedure I need done, and I generally need two per year, will require a five-day hospitalization while they wean me from this medication to the medication they are currently taking way from me, then bridge to Heparin, then when the procedure is done, back to the medication they are currently taking away from me until I’m titrated on this new medication. Which in the long run, ends up costing the insurance company a lot more than just paying for the damned medication in the first place.

And if, like the warfarin, this medication fails… that failure could result in my death. Or worse, a worsening of my symptoms, up to and including hospitalization, which will result in a worsening of my chronic condition, that I have to live with. Yes, sometimes, there are fates worse than death. And then if I switch to this medication, I have to live with the worsening anxiety that a new medication that could literally save or end my life could cause… it’s too much.

It’s too much. I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough to fight this battle right now. I feel lousy. I’ve almost lost my voice entirely. My chest feels like it’s full of fluid and breathing is tough right now. I’ve been crying off and on for three days now.

And I just give up. I give up. I give up.

You, government; you, big pharma; you, corporations, you all win.

You’ve won.  Go celebrate.

But you know, when you’ve finally killed us all, where are you going to get your profits from then, hum?



UPDATE: Good news, they approved my emergency request for an exception to the quantity limit. Thank goodness!



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3 Responses to “The System Finally Broke Me”

  1. Angel says:

    I am so sorry. I was hoping you could get this worked out somehow. I still hope and pray it works out somehow soon.

    I hope you get to feeling better, but you may need to go to the doctor to do it, especially if you do have fluid on your lungs.

    I’m praying!

  2. Theresa Wiza says:

    The only advice I can give is to pray and pray hard. Amazing miracles occur when you pray. Things that appear to be flukes just suddenly arrive when you most need them. I know it’s easy to give up hope, especially when you’ve been going through so much torment for so many years, but what have you got to lose by praying fervently for a miracle? Though I won’t be with you in person, I’ll be praying with and for you.

  3. Donna Batton says:

    Just read this Michy. I’m so happy to hear they finally approved your request for an exception to the quantity limit. It’s too bad you had to go through days of crying and depression before they gave in. So glad God is listening to our prayers. (((HUG)))

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