When It’s Hard to Be Happy


I sat in the doctor’s office earlier this week and lied to him. I didn’t mean to lie to him, but it had become so rote to say some of the things I’ve had to say to doctors recently that I didn’t even consider that things might have changed for me. When I first starting seeking help from doctors about how I felt physically, they would turn around and ask me how I felt emotionally, several of them offering antidepressants, like the only reason I wasn’t feeling well was because I was depressed. I wasn’t depressed, at least, not in the traditional sense.


Those who know me know that I am prone to depression–not sadness or sorrow, but real, honest-to-goodness clinical depression, which is a medical condition that has to do with the way the brain deals with certain hormones and chemicals. Read more about this that I wrote here. There ARE different types of depression and they have different causes. Some you can ‘snap out of’ and others you cannot, at least, not without help–I don’t care what Tom Cruise says.When one type of depression lingers too long, it can turn into the other type of depression. It’s unfortunate we use ‘depressed’ as a ‘mood’ too, so that so many people get confused about what depression really is. (more…)

The Blind Can’t See ~OR~ I’m Not an Elephant


I remember a little poem from when I was a kid.


John Godfrey Saxe’s ( 1816-1887) version of the famous Indian legend, (more…)

Steroid Psychosis and Michy



Do you hear voices in your head? Well, I do. But the thing is, I always have, and usually those voices are telling me to write their stories for them, and they go into novels, short stories, and we all function well together within the confines of my brain.

Today, the voices aren’t wanting me to write!

Okay, so I’m being a bit dramatic, and ya’ll are probably going to think I’m crazy, and that would actually be true right now. (more…)

How AM I Supposed to Feel?


In my life, I’ve felt a lot of things. I’ve gone through every emotion, both expected and inappropriate. I’ve flown high and I’ve crashed and burned, and I’ve ridden on lows that lingered for months, years…

As with most people, though, I tend to stay somewhere in the middle, where I bounce around in how I feel. I have good days; I have bad days; I have in between days. I think I’m pretty normal in that. For the most part, I have always been an optimistic pessimist. Or rather, a realist.

But there’s something really screwed up with the universe when I find myself ecstatic to be told I have a debilitating and sometimes difficult to treat illness. The universe wore me down, repeatedly, and changed me. Ten years ago, a diagnosis of primary adrenal insufficiency with hypopituitarism would have devastated me. Last week, the same diagnosis had me crying tears of joy. That’s so screwed up. I should NOT be happy about being sick. Yet, I am.

I hate the way the world wears people down like that. As Diane said to me, “It’s not supposed to be this hard!” Referring to getting a diagnosis. It’s not supposed to be this hard. (more…)

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